A Boy Story

I just posted on facebook about how I'm scaring the birds away from my bird feeder just by sitting outside near it, and how it made me feel good that boys aren't the only ones who race the other way when they get close to me.

The boy statement is totally not true, I've realized.

In a recent conversation with my mom, I determined that I have extremely high expectations as far as a male partner goes.  I didn't realize what ramifications that has had on the men in my life, though.  It's not true that men run away when they get close to me.  I play them, then I push them away.

I like to lead guys on.  I know this.  I admit this.  I go back and forth between being proud and ashamed of this.  It's not really a good way to be.  Here's the deal (be prepared for my rationalization of something I know is wrong):  I just see it as having fun and flirting, but sometimes they get more involved, and I let them.  And then when they start hinting at their feelings or acting like they want more than just flirtation and what I've considered to be "joking around" or being friendly, then I'm like WHOA you do not fit my parameters for a mate.  Were you really thinking you could have me?  Please go away.

I know that I'm often unaware of when a guy is attracted to me.  I think I'm blinded by both my own insecurities and my own ego (if that makes sense--it does to me).  I won't go into that, so you'll have to take my word for it.  But anyway, even when I am aware of it, I still think of all the ways that he doesn't measure up to what I want.  Remember that post when I said I only had a few things on my MAN-LIST?  That's not true.  I have lots of things on my MAN-LIST.  I just don't have a real list.

I have so many things on my list that I doubt I'll ever find someone who meets all the criteria.  Here, let's take a stab at it so we can see if such a man actually exists:

--kind
--funny
--crazy smart
--has great taste (and varied taste) in music
--likes to be outside
--very attractive
--at least 5'11'' (but I prefer at least 6'1'')
--loves sports
--loves Jesus
--has all kinds of interests
--likes a variety of foods
--isn't afraid to try new things and go new places
--is very confident
--is happy to be the leader in the relationship
--gives good back rubs
--has almost perfect teeth
--has a good singing voice
--has a natural sense of rhythm
--loves to laugh
--wants to own (or already owns) (or will buy me) a boat
--enjoys relaxing and vacations
--is strong/well muscled, though not steroid-y
--enjoys bantering with me...and can keep up
--converses easily with others
--has an extensive knowledge base
--enjoys languages, though maybe not proficient at any others
--has a nice, non-abrasive accent
--likes birds (okay yes, I'm sitting outside)
--can fix things
--doesn't mind manual labor
--can do man-stuff with my dad and brother
--enjoys playing with kids
--can sit and read happily
--will take out the trash and mow the lawn
--will go to the farmers' market with me and enjoy it
--is good at saving and keeping track of our money
--doesn't mind responsibly splurging and allowing me to responsibly splurge
--will watch Disney movies with me occasionally
--will tell me when I'm being ridiculous
--thinks the dumb stuff I do is cute
--loves all my random facts, connections, and observances
--has a ready smile
--gives good tips and is kind to service staff
--treats everyone with respect
--will happily stand up for me and get in a fight with another man over me (I've always wanted that to happen...is that weird?)
--is able to discuss it when he's not pleased by something
--wants to serve me even when it's not necessary
--allows me to serve him even when it's not necessary

I could go on and on, people.  In fact, I even went back and added more.  Maybe you think this is a really general list and pretty much every man fits it.  Maybe you think it's highly specific and you are currently pitying my guaranteed singleness.  I don't know.  I'm not really sure if this list is a realistic one or not, but it's what I want.  And it's what I think of every time a guy gets close enough for me to consider being with him.  I sit there and mentally go...okay, you're cute, but your eyes are a little close together.  You are a tiny bit short.  You like sports, but your favorite is hockey, and I just don't think I can love someone who doesn't like football or baseball the best.  Et cetera.

The truth is, I might sit and complain about how no guy has ever asked me out, but honestly, it might have happened for me had I not 1) been so insecure and egotistical to realize his feelings, and 2) given him zero breathing room as far as personal traits are concerned.  Because no, I don't have a specific hair and eye color stipulation (though I do happen to prefer men with hair my color or darker), but I quite obviously have many qualifications that I've considered essential and unwavering.

Poor men.  I haven't given you a chance.  I'm sorry.

You're still too short for me, by the way.