Usually we just write it as "fixer-upper," but that's when you're referring to a house, not a person.
Setting: Sunday lunch. Mom and Dad. Dear friend Mike. Dear friend Lee. Lee's mom. Lee's wife, Callie. Callie's parents.
We're all sitting around this huge table having a great time. Mom and Dad are chatting up Callie's parents (we've only ever met them at Lee and Callie's wedding, so we don't know them well) and Dad's actually doing a good job of jumping in the conversation, Mike and I are catching up and having a lot of laughs trying to get free food, Lee's mom is quietly enjoying everyone's company, and Lee and Callie are sitting in the middle of the table getting involved in it all.
Somehow we start discussing checklists for future mates--Andrew had one, Callie had one, my grandpa had one (crazy story...)--and they ask if I have one. For some reason everyone thought I would, and they thought it would be highly specific. Boy were they wrong. I definitely have no man-list at all. However, they continued to press, and said something to the effect of ARE YOU KIDDING ME YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A LIST NOW WHAT IS ON IT to which I replied OKAY FINE I HAVE A LIST HERE IT IS:
1. be really smart 2. be really funny 3. be really attractive 4. be really into sports 5. be really rich and/or have a boat that's not a john boat
That's it. That's all I ask. Other than the givens, that is--loves Jesus and is not a jerk and is my biggest fan.
Anyway, we commence conversation about how I can go about getting said man. After many ideas were thrown out there, I think the consensus was that I need to go kayaking (which I'm very afraid to do), go with a bunch of sports-loving kayaking men (to whom I'm sure I'd be afraid to speak), flip over and get stuck underwater (pretty sure I've got that one on lock), flail around and be unable to swim and save myself (the logical and likely step after flipping my kayak), get saved by the kayaking sports-loving men (which they'd be glad to do if they're smart and nice), single out and dismiss the unattractive men on the spot (we decided this would save time for the next step), interrogate remaining individuals to ascertain fitness on each item of the checklist (and the kayak doesn't count for #5 in my opinion, though not in the opinion of those at the table), and choose a man.
Bam. Done. Problem solved.
As we've been discussing the man-plan for a while, and as I've had three glasses of unsweet tea, and as I'm quite content with the plan we've devised and am ready to execute it, I decide to use the restroom quickly. Doot de doo...two minutes go by...and I'm back. Before I can sit down, Lee tells me to run. Run, Lee? Whatever for? Because, Laura, just leave the table. You don't want to be here. Lee, what is the problem? Why should I run? Laura, I'm telling you now, I had no hand in what's about to happen. What are you talking about, Lee? Just, Laura, I'm sorry...and then--
Mom: "Laura, while you were in the bathroom...we found someone for you." [insert one mischievous grin per capita]
Me: "You have got to be kidding me. I was gone two minutes and you've already conspired and found me a man?"
Of course they were not kidding. Go ahead, everyone, tell me about Cousin Aaron.
Well, Cousin Aaron (I think he's Callie's mom's cousin--she's apparently always looking for a girl for him to date) loves sports. He isn't rich, but he has a good job as an IT guy at a hospital. He is 6'2", and--my mom hesitated when she told me this one--he's 31. Oh, Cousin Aaron. Callie's mom says I'm supposed to be expecting a call from you. And of course we've already gone over my life story and romantic history, so all that's left for me to do is correct anything that was exaggerated or misreported.
As we go, we're passing hugs all around, with "I'll miss you"s and "See you soon"s sprinkled all about the circle. And when they get to me, folks throw in a "Hang in there" and a "Let me know how those calls go!"
Cousin Aaron, it's Tuesday. And I'm waiting by the phone.
3 comments:
LOL!!!! You always make me laugh or cry or something when I read your posts! I can hear the converstion again as you repeated it. You are fun and funny. Thanks for that. xoxoxoxo
P.S. Padre wants me to remind you he was also not present during the above-described discussion. (I think he wants to remind you he is not complicit.)
And I want to reassure you that it's perfectly okay, and normal in some parts of the world, not to find a man until you are — drum roll — over 30! Cory and I were introduced by a mutual friend when I was w/in six week of my 33 birthday. I didn't pay too much attention the first time we were introduced. Second time, well, we started talking and never stopped. And if you know Cory, that's darned near a miracle! We were married 20 years ago and haven't regretted it a day in our lives.
So take heart. But don't ignore matchmaking friends. You never know, and it was a mutual friend who introduced us. Just be yourself and don't worry about whether or not he's the "right one" right away. You'll figure it out sooner or later.
In the meantime, there are benefits to being single. :-D
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