THE MAN-POST

Alright, I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little nervous about this one.  Not only because I'm going to be baring my soul and delving into the inner workings of my psyche, but also because I'm afraid I won't even be able to cover it all.  Be prepared for addenda in the future in case I think of more later.

So, folks, this is the touted MAN-POST.  It's all the reasons for "why I am scared to death to date you and as such I either push you away or run in the opposite direction."  I will do my best to be succinct and not make you read too much about the same thing over and over.  I've already gone over my romantic history in a previous post, so it may be somewhat helpful for you to read that before continuing here.

Here we go.  Yikes.

Gentlemen, I'm afraid of you.  You may already know that I can't talk to a guy unless I'm forced to do so (Hello -- remember the "hot teacher" stories?  If you don't, go to the right and search for "hot teacher" and you'll see how pathetic I am.).  Even after I'm friends with a guy, I still have trouble talking to him if I'm interested.  You'll notice the telltale signs of me faking like I'm involved in the conversation -- eye contact with everyone but him, nodding and using other affirming body language, making small useless statements like "mm" and "um duh" to hide the fact that I'm frozen -- and you'll also notice a slightly larger distance between him and me than between others and me.  Three-and-a-half feet instead of the standard three, and I'll definitely never touch him unless he initiates contact.

Most people my age have had multiple boyfriends by this time.  I've had...I have no idea, because I can't really consider any of them boyfriends.  Again, read that earlier post if you have questions.  But while most people get little butterflies when holding hands with a crush, I hyperventilate.  I have trouble breathing due to a moderate tachycardic episode coupled with slight constriction of the airways.  So basically I have a minor panic attack when someone holds my hand (and I know this from holding hands with two, count them, TWO guys).  I get this look on my face, this look that says "I know I'm supposed to be relaxed and euphoric right now but I'm totally freaked out."  I don't do well with vulnerability.  I don't do well with not being in control.  I have negligible experience with romance.  Do you see why it makes me uncomfortable?

Another thing -- I'm afraid of commitment (DANG IT I can never spell that word correctly!!).  I like that I have a one-year lease on my apartment because I have the freedom to be somewhere else after that, even though I know I'll never move.  I like that I have a steady and somewhat guaranteed job, but I'm not promising that I'll stay here forever.  I'm certainly not against it; but why say I'll stay when I don't know what else is going to happen?

I'm the same way with guys.  You are not perfect.  I am not perfect.  What if one of us changes?  That's scary.  What if someone better comes along for you?  Then my heart will be broken.  And I'm even more worried that someone better will come along for me, because come on, how easy is it for me to "love" somebody?  Ever heard me say, "Aww, I love that kid!  Aww, I love that movie!  Aww, I love that plant!  Aww, I love that ________!"  Can I get an amen?  I grow very attached to people, this is true; but I grow very attached to LOTS of people.  That can pose a problem when you're ultimately only supposed to be attached to ONE person.  How am I to be expected to do that with a heart like this?

I'm very, very afraid that I'm going to be in a relationship with someone, then have someone else more suited to me come along, and I'll either be miserable knowing that there is someone better, or I'll be miserable knowing that I've broken my previous dear one's heart.  I don't do well with breaking hearts.  That's another thing.  I'm so concerned that I'm going to break a guy's heart (I know, a little conceited of me, but let's not kid ourselves and think that it's not a possibility) that I'm afraid to do much more than flirt.  I didn't even know how to flirt until a couple of years ago...and then I kind of went overboard.  I became aware of what a smile and a few well-placed sweet words would do, and I decided to use it (remember the "free soda free parking free sandwiches" deal?).  I think it was my way of coping with the desire for a connection with a male, but still remaining in full control the whole time.  So now I do the whole little-eye-contact-because-I'm-terrified deal, then when I'm forced to talk, I often resort to flirtation in order to stay in control of the other person.  Unless I'm just your friend and I'm totally comfortable with you, and then I'll smile and say sweet things and hug all over you because once again, aww, I love you!

Yikes, I'm letting out all my secrets, y'all.  I'm not going to get any special treatment after this.

So anyway, I charm him like crazy, then when it seems like he is interested in more than just innocent flirtation, like GASP maybe a single unofficial date, then oh my goodness I freak out on him and all flirtation is off for a long period of time.  It is then that I feel the need to do a DTR (the awkward "determining the relationship" talk, for those of you who don't know), and I basically tell him that he has no chance with me.  Which may or may not be true.  But I'm not sure that I could spend the rest of my life with him, and what's the point in dating if it won't go anywhere?  That takes us right back to the fear of broken hearts.

Every once in a while, I get these epic crushes, and when I say epic, I mean epic in the original sense and not in the high school "omg that's like super amazingly awesome" sense.  I mean these suckers are huge and just about debilitating.  Y'all.  If you thought I froze before, holy crepe myrtle.  This is a whole new realm of paralysis.  I vacillate between flirting and being shy, being interested in his life and putting him down, talking to him and ignoring him, trying to laugh at his jokes and trying not to laugh at his jokes.  I can't ever find a position of moderation when it comes to these situations (by the way, DID YOU KNOW that "situation" comes from the Latin word situ, meaning place or location?).  It's a highly frustrating and distressing place to be, and something that I would assume to be common for most people who are single.  That's where a bit of my insecurity comes in, though:  I don't see other people freaking out about this stuff, so is it because I have no experience in this area?  Or is it because I'm seriously just that inept?

I'm so in love with myself, y'all.  True story.  But I often feel that even though I know I'm amazing, the world doesn't agree.  I am afraid that I'm this beautiful, intelligent, funny and interesting woman who is just beautiful in the non-standard way, overbearing in her intelligence, funny leaning toward being strange, and interesting only to those who love what I love (come on -- weather?  etymology?  shopping strategy?).  I'm afraid that I'm a great friend...but not a great girlfriend.  And I think that if I feel that way, then guys feel that way, too.  There are so, so many guys in my past who have been just my friend, and sometimes I feel that that's all I'm good for.  A friend.  The girl who can watch football games with you and who can give you advice...about other girls.  And who will sit on the sidelines and watch you have your happy life while wishing that you had asked her out just once, just to see what it would be like to go on an actual date.

What she doesn't say is that if you had asked her out just once, she probably would have thrown up from all the anxiety that is wrapped up in her ideas of dating and relationships.

So there you have it.  My reasons for my romantic ineptitude, laid out for all to see.  As I said, I'm sure I've still missed reasons, and I'll let you know what they are when I encounter them.  For now, though, I think I'm adequately prepared to do a walking tour of Europe with all this baggage I've got.

Oh my word.  I'm already nervous.