:-/

This is the third week in a row that I haven't gone to church. It's not getting any easier--it's making me feel worse about myself. I know one week Brandi and I had stayed up late, so we chose to skip after we each hit our snoozes seriously about six times. This week I forgot to set an alarm and woke up with eight minutes to get ready and go or else I'd be late.

Now is not the point in my life where I need to be skipping church. I feel like I'm farther away from God now than at just about any other time so far, including childhood when I had true belief but not deep reliance. The best time was freshman year of college, when I walked around campus praying continually about everything.

Currently, I pretty much do my own thing. I live my life as I want to live it, regardless of what the Bible or my conscience or the Holy Spirit or my upbringing tell me. I have committed sins with the full realization that they go against God's will. I have also not even thought about things being sins, then been able to count each infraction after the fact. It's really incredible.

I haven't lost my faith at all. I still firmly believe that Christ Jesus awoke from death after being wrapped up and stuffed in a sealed tomb for days. I still believe that I was created in God's image and that He has a plan that includes everything best for me and best for the furtherance of His goals and message. I know the Holy Spirit lives intertwined with my soul and tries to keep me from turning my back on what I know to be true. The thing is, it's almost like I somehow just don't care.

I'm not sure how that's possible, considering the things I've seen come to be by the hand of God. I wonder if it has anything to do with my belief in assurance of salvation, the idea that once you've truly declared yourself a follower of Christ, that you can never lose the effects. Maybe it would be better if I thought I had to earn salvation. I don't know.

I just hope that I--with God's support and guidance--can turn things around and become His devoted follower again. Because right now, I worry about myself. And all this surely doesn't help when it comes to my dealings with and witness to other people.